Adventure on the high trees!

August 19, 2005 on 3:15 pm | In Funnyish, Musings by Brett |

The east DreamHost office has windows that overlook a parking lot, and in this lot are some seriously huge (four story tall) palm trees.

Not too long ago these palm trees were trimmed! Work in the office ground to a halt that day as we stared in awe and took pictures of tree trimming acrobatery the likes of which few have seen.

First the gardener climbs the tree. He had spikes on the insides of each of his shoes and a single rope straddling the tree. That’s it. He also had one long rope which hung all the way down to the ground. More on that later!

Once the guy makes it up to the top he unhooks a chainsaw from his belt, fires it up, and pretends that every palm frond in front of him is an appendage on the body of his boss, ex-wife, or the bill collector who WON’T STOP CALLING and NO I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY AND AKAKAKGUWAHAHAAAA!!!

“I don’t pay you fifteen hundred in child support so you can just stand out here on the street in your fancy new outfit! Our kids deserve better than that, you selfish AKAKAKGUWAHAHAAAA!!!”

The palm tree does not take this aggression lightly. It retaliates by unleashing a swarm of bees to do battle with this assault on its character! The bees prove ineffective, as the gardener cuts-on, blinded by rage and oblivious to their stings!

At this point the tree trimmer begins to crave even more danger. He thinks about his life and how his car needs fixing and the rent’s due and his kid’s not talking to him anymore, and he thinks that maybe if he fell to the ground it wouldn’t be so bad. So he gets bold. (See what I did there?)

So instead of climbing down the tree, then climbing up the next tree, he simply hooks his long rope onto the tree and SWINGS ACROSS to the next one Tarzan-style!

“AKAKAKGUWAHAHAAAA!!!”

Up until this point, all of us DreamHosters had considered ourselves to be tough bad-asses. When that guy swung across those trees hanging from a rope with a chainsaw on his belt, women wept and grown men crapped their pants. We were in the presence of greatness.

When the job was over, he pulled a Spiderman to lower himself to the growd.

Witness the discarded remains of his oppressors.

The next time you see palm trees, take a good look at them and realize what it took to make them that way. Palm tree trimmers of the world, DreamHost salutes you.